This has been far too long... Putting it down to a baby sapping my energy!

Oh dear, so much for me posting daily, eh? In fairness, I have been struggling quite a bit and it's only really in the past couple of weeks that I've started to regain any semblance of energy. That said, I am annoyed at myself for not keeping this up, for both mine and the baby's sake, as I was really hoping to have a lovely full diary to keep as a memento of the time that everything was actually, well, happening.
So, I'm now 19 weeks and 6 days pregnant (officially at the halfway mark tomorrow!) and it feels like the past twenty weeks have been but a mere blur; I find it difficult to make my brain understand that it's now January and I'm going to become a mother, not in a long time, or in the new year, or next year, but this year. The concept is so bizarre that it's hard to exactly define my feelings on it - my brain is a baby-saturated boiling pot with all sorts of emotions whizzing about; a pinch of anxiety here, a dab of sheer terror there, and above all else a humungous dollop of poorly concealed excitement. I'm scared, undoubtedly, about a million things (What if my baby hates me? What if I'm a crappy mother? What if I don't know what to do and the baby ends up with a nappy for a hat and the poo goes everywhere?), but the fear is far outweighed by the wonderful thought that in just twenty weeks' time, I will have my baby here. I really can't wait! I can't wait to meet him/her, and see who they look like - which features they've taken from me and which have come from Michael. I'm really looking forward to being that little person's mummy, and I just hope I'm worthy of the title.

Maybe we should do a little recap of the past few weeks, since I haven't posted since the 10 week scan, and a lot has happened since then!

So two weeks after the last post, we had our 12 week scan and saw our teeny tiny little one in far greater detail, and for a longer time. It's insane, when watching the screen, to reconcile the idea that what we were seeing on the monitor was actually what was happening in my tummy that very second... Yes, Rachael, there is actually a baby in there! Thankfully, everything looked beautifully healthy and the blood test results came back with nothing to worry about.

Here's the image we received of our baby at 12 weeks and 1 day:

Now, what next? Well, after the scan came the hassle of switching medical practices because we had moved, and subsequently changing midwives. Sounds simple, but if you're like me and thought this would be a smooth transition, you'd be wrong. Cue lots of phonecalls on my part, and no response or acknowledgement on the midwife's. When I did eventually reach a real live talking person and not the lovely robotic voice of an answering machine, I was informed that I did have an appointment - but it had been that very morning, so I had missed it. Aaaaaaargh! It was eventually resolved, thankfully, and the midwife that I was finally assigned to does seem lovely, so fingers crossed we have a relatively smooth process from here on in.

While dealing with all of this nonsense, I had still been suffering fairly badly from morning sickness. The term 'morning sickness' in itself is so misleading - believe me, it does not choose to restrict itself to the morning only! The problem I found most difficult was the extreme nausea, which sometimes made it difficult even to stay upright for prolonged periods of time, without needing to lay back down. I also found a resurgence in the intense migraines I used to suffer through my childhood and teens, caused presumably by the surging of pregnancy hormones. The symptoms were probably made even worse by the fact I couldn't take my usual migraine medication. It's really a recipe for quite an unhappy Rachael. Thankfully for me, by around the 16 week mark the symptoms were starting to alleviate, and I no longer had to consider the inside of the toilet bowl as my closest friend (although it will be a time I'll remember forever, fondly or otherwise...). I feel like I'm starting to get a little bit of a life back after spending four months essentially as a recluse. I've seen friends, I've been to places other than my work and my bed, and it's sad to say I'm quite triumphant about that!

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm also noticing a lot more movement. I'm sure the baby is turning somersaults in there as the main thing I'm experiencing is a rolling sensation, very difficult to describe without my very impressive descriptive hand gestures! I had my first proper kicks the other night - three little thuds one after the other, almost as if he/she was chapping on my belly to say hello. Later on the same evening, Michael got to feel the baby moving for the first time and the look on his face was priceless :) for me, it was one of the nicest moments we've shared as a couple.

I also have a tiny bump now, woo!

Here it is at 18+5:

And here it is yesterday at 19+5 (amazing the difference in the space of a week):

I feel so proud of my little bump, it may not be very big but I find myself unconsciously stroking or cupping my tummy; it seems to be some sort of comfort gesture. I do feel very protective over my stomach now - I'm very aware of anything near it, and it's amazing the amount of love you begin to feel for a being you don't even know yet. I'm not the most maternal person in the world, I'm not what you would typically perceive as a 'baby' person, but the instincts are most definitely there and awaiting this little being to nurture.

In other news, I'm having to go for an operation this Thursday which I am not looking forward to in the slightest, but as it's related to the pregnancy and is quite important, it's a procedure that needs to be done. I've already been told it will have to be a general anaesthetic, something I've never had in my life, let alone whilst pregnant. I'm worried about the prospect of surgery in general anyway, but my main concern is that I really don't like the idea of putting my baby under an anaesthetic as well. I've been reassured that the risks are minimal, but being a natural worrier the fact that there are risks at all bothers me. I'm going to ask to be kept in overnight, so that they can monitor the baby too as I know if I were to be sent home I'd do nothing but panic. Fingers crossed, everything will go to plan and I'll have overreacted as usual.

My 20-week scan is also this week, the day after my surgery. Hopefully, we will still be able to have the scan as normal, although we have been warned that the baby may not be very co-operative and may not be moving much due to the anaesthetic. I hope our little one won't be too sleepy, so the appropriate checks can be done, and we'd also really love to be able to find out what we're having - so I can then start buying pink or blue accordingly! I'm pretty convinced it's a little boy now, although I'm not sure if that's just because both mine and Michael's family have said that from the start. Whatever we have, boy, girl, alien, monkey - as long as they are happy and healthy, we will be overjoyed. And hey, I'm sure the monkey thing would get us some pretty sweet deals with the tabloid newspapers; I might even become as famous as that bloke with the womb.

There's also other normal things like the buying of the pram (I love it!) and the choosing of the furniture but that's not so important right now, although very exciting in it's own right for me. The other big news that we have at the moment is that Michael and I have recently become engaged, after he proposed to me in one of my very favourite places - at the very top of the ferris wheel of the Christmas winter wonderland in Edinburgh. With this and the baby on the way, it might be cheesy but I really couldn't be happier :D Everything feels pretty perfect, although I feel like I'm jinxing it by even typing that! In all seriousness though, I'm happy. We're also moving house in the next month or so, so that we're in a better place for when the baby arrives, and we have three flat viewings this week too. Onwards and upwards!

Here's the ring!

And here's one of the two of us together on Boxing Day:

Well, since this has been an incredibly long and rambling post, I'll leave it there for now and I'll hopefully update again once I've had the operation and scan this week. I'm considering posting some pregnancy related observations/musings, as well as my own experiences as I've encountered a few interesting things along the way. But again, that's for another day! :) x